May 17, 2024 9 min read

5 Painful Life Lessons I Wish I Knew Earlier

Pain makes you stronger

Are you feeling lost in life? Lacking direction? Maybe you’re feeling a bit adrift or you’re unsure about the path that you're on.

Or maybe you’re just doubting yourself.

If none of this sounds like you. Then.... don’t read this article.

But, if you’re grappling with uncertainty and you’re feeling unsure about your purpose and you need a little guidance, then read on.

I’m telling you this because these lessons could have transformed my journey if I knew them sooner.

So hopefully these insights can help shape your path and help you to make better decisions.

Here are 5 things I wish I knew:

1. No one cares.

Literately. No one cares about you as much as you think they do. This might sound sad and disheartening at first. But it can actually be quite liberating.

Let me explain.

I was someone who wanted approval from those around me.

I would behave in a way that often compromised my own values and beliefs just to fit in and seek validation from others.

One thing stands out is during my time at uni, particularly when I first moved to London.

The bustling city life was a big contrast to where I grew up, and I couldn’t shake the feeling of being out of place in a new environment.

Everywhere I turned, there were new faces. At my accommodation, in my classes and in social settings.

I was desperate to fit in so I adopted a strategy of overcommitment.

I joined multiple clubs and societies, eager to impress and be seen as a well rounded person. I started going to the gym for the first time and joined the football team as well.

I never turned down opportunities to go out for parties, drinks and social events with my newfound friends.

As the excitement started to wear off and I started to remember that I had a degree to study for, I found myself struggling to balance my academic work with my social activities.

I didn’t need to join all those societies, go to every party or try to be friends with everyone. I was overextending and it was taking a toll on my physical and mental health.

Reflecting on those times, I realised that my actions were just centred around pleasing others.

I was sacrificing my own authenticity and happiness in exchange for temporary validation from these new people around me.

And the truth is, seeking approval from others is a never-ending cycle.

No matter how much validation we receive, it's never enough.

Validation is like a drug. It feels good at first but when you become too reliant on it, it can destroy you.

We constantly crave more, and in the process, we lose sight of who we truly are and what actually matters to us.

I just cared too much about what other people thought about me.

Over time it can make you miserable, weak and fragile.

It took me a while but I realised that happiness and fulfilment come from within and not from the approval of others.

Now I make a conscious effort to prioritise my own values and beliefs, regardless of what other people think.

And you know what? It’s liberating.

I no longer felt the need to seek validation from others because I had found validation within myself.

So, if there's one thing I want you to take away from my experience, it's this:

Stop seeking approval from others and start prioritising your own values and beliefs.

You need to learn to embrace your own uniqueness and authenticity.

You are enough, just as you are.

2. Try to impress the future you.

What if you could sit down and have a conversation with the version of you from 3 years ago. How would your past self perceive your present self?

Would the former self be impressed and proud of who you’ve become today?

This seems like a lifetime ago but I remember watching the Oscars on TV.

I stayed up really late till like 3am. Jennifer Lawrence was on stage and she was about to announce the best actor award.

You had this split screen where multiple cameras would be focused on the faces of all the nominees as the announcement was being made.

I was really hoping Di Caprio would win his first Oscar for his role in the wolf of wall street. But when the winner was announced, I was actually a bit disappointed.

Matthew McConaughey won.

The screen panned to him, he gave his wife a kiss then hugged Jared Leto and headed up to the stage. As the applause rippled I was like damn, what does Leo have to do to win an Oscar.

I thought to myself let’s just watch the speech. I’ve stayed up this late I might as well see what he says.

And I’m glad I did because he gave one of the most epic speeches I’ve ever heard and it’s really worth a watch if you haven’t already, I’ll link it below.

In that speech he mentions he is always chasing his hero.

His hero is himself in 10 years time.

He explains that every 10 years, he has a conversation with his past self where he assesses whether or not he has achieved the status of a hero, in the eyes of his former self.

The response is the same. He’s not even close. He says that he is never gong to be his hero, he’ll never achieve that.

And he’s okay with that, because that gives him a target to keep on chasing.

It made me realise that you need to become your own hero.

You need to chase something.

And becoming your own hero is an ongoing process, it’s one that requires continuous effort. It’s like a never ending journey.

And while you might not ever achieve the goal of being your own hero, it doesn’t really matter because the true reward lies in the process, the journey.

By trying to be your own hero in the future, you are continually bettering yourself, even if you fall short of your expectations after 3, 5 or 10 years.

And this is what life is really all about. It taught me a really powerful lesson.

It made me re-evaluate my relationship with my future self.

Remember, we are a direct consequence of the actions we take.

And for this reason, it's really important to invest in ourselves for a better future.

Good physical health is the cornerstone to a great life.

You need to put the work in now.

Work on your body. Train hard in the gym. Lift weights. Run. Push your body to the limit.

But don’t forget about your mind. You need to be inquisitive. Read books. Become sharper and more articulate. Learn new things and skills.

And don’t forget to dedicate time to rest and prioritise your sleep.

Do something today that your future self will thank you for.

The sooner you understand this, the more empowering it can become. Because it will compound over time.

3. Practice gratitude more.

Life is filled with negativity. Scroll through your phone and you'll see online toxicity. Read the news and you're bombarded with grim headlines. Step outside and encounter rude behaviour and impatience.

It's so easy to get caught up in this cycle of negativity, especially considering how short and unpredictable life is.

Not long ago I found myself in the operating theatre assisting with a laparotomy. (A laparotomy is basically making a cut into a patient's abdomen).

It was an emergency because the patient, who was actually quite young as well, had been in a really bad accident.

I vividly remember the urgency of the situation. It wasn’t just any procedure, this was a life or death situation for this patient who probably began that day with the same mundane things we all take granted for.

Maybe they woke up, showered, enjoyed breakfast, had their morning coffee and then headed to work on their daily commute, blissfully unaware of the tragedy that awaited them.

It was a sobering reminder of how fragile life can be and the suddenness with which our circumstances can change.

This harsh reality is a recurring theme in my work at the hospital.

Unfortunately, I witness firsthand the vulnerability of people like you and me, across all age groups.

And as we age, we lose certain privileges and abilities.

Tasks that once seemed effortless become challenging.

We’ll find ourselves grappling with physical limitations, we’ll probably lose touch with friends and family, and our health will decline, we’ll lose that independence we once had.

It’s a harsh reality, but it’s true. And this is why practicing gratitude is so important.

The more grateful you are, the stronger your mental barrier to negativity will be.

You will become more resilient.

I often remind myself that no matter how messed up and hard life can get, there are always people far worse off.

Because of this every morning, without fail, I take a moment to reflect and write down three things I'm grateful for.

I encourage you to do the same. It’s incredibly powerful. It’s shifted my perspective towards life.

So take a moment and ask yourself, what are you grateful for?

4. Take bigger risks earlier on.

“I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career, I’ve lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times, I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." - Michael Jordan.

A risk is taking a chance and taking risks is necessary for a successful life.

Whether it's starting a business, making new connections, or pursuing new experiences, taking risks is essential for growth.

Unfortunately, people usually associate the word risk with gambling, danger and recklessness.

As opposed to focusing on what could go right, we tend to concentrate on all the things that can go wrong.

Like it or not, you can’t just avoid taking risks. You have to make decisions that involve risks every day. But not every risk has to be a blind gamble.

If you try to understand the complexities involved with a decision it can help you take calculated risks that are aligned with your goals. Taking risks early on in adult life can really propel you towards success and increase your chances of achieving your goals.

You have to venture into the unknown and every risk involves facing the fear of uncertainty and failure. This is why most people stay in the same place and stagnate.

Because the fear of failure holds them back from taking chances.

The easiest way to get around this mental block is accepting that at some point:

You will fail at something.

You will suck.

You will lose.

You will embarrass yourself.

You might be humiliated.

But in the end. So what? Does that really matter? Growth is waiting on the other side of these fears. You don’t have to play it safe all the time.

Also, you can’t really avoid it because risk-taking is part of making big life decisions like moving towns, choosing a partner and deciding what your field of work will be.

If you want something significant and beneficial, you have to be willing to make tough decisions and accept the risk that comes with them.

On top of this, taking risks can expose you to new skills and opportunities for growth.

Even if we encounter setbacks, we can learn valuable lessons.

Overcoming fears and challenges through risk-taking builds confidence and resilience, and this is important for helping you to navigate future challenges easier.

5. Don't follow the crowd.

In the 1500s, the prevailing belief was that the Earth was at the centre of the universe and everything revolved around our planet.

But there was a man called Nicolaus Copernicus.

He dared to challenge this idea.

He developed a theory that explained how the Earth revolved around the sun, which was the complete opposite to what the prevailing belief was for centuries.

His insight wasn't just a scientific breakthrough, it was a testament to the power of independent thinking and the courage to challenge prevailing beliefs, even in the face of opposition.

So what can we learn from this? This basically shows that the popularity of an idea doesn’t necessarily equal to how true it is.

History has countless examples of widely accepted beliefs that have later, been proven false.

For centuries people thought the earth was flat, people thought cars and the internet were fads, and they thought that a rocket could never leave the Earth’s atmosphere.

Having said this, it’s a natural human tendency to copy the behaviour of others.

Think about how we used to live in tribes and how animals live in herds and communities, it's protective. And don’t get me wrong, I think it’s good to follow certain things. You might follow a football team, a political party, certain artists or people at work.

But blindly following the crowd can be detrimental.