Sep 20, 2024 9 min read

My honest advice for anyone who feels behind in life

A feeling we have all felt before

Time is ticking.

You open your social media feed and it feels like everyone you know is moving forward.

Your friends are getting married. They’re moving to new cities.

They’re buying houses. They’re having children.

Life is progressing for everyone else, and you can’t help but feel like you’re falling behind in life.

And I know that feeling. I’ve felt it before many times in my life, and you probably have to. So many people can relate to this feeling.

But where does this constant sense of being behind come from?

It comes from comparison.

We compare ourselves to others, measuring our lives against the highlight reels we see on social media, and inevitably, we fall short.

The first step in overcoming this feeling is to redefine what success means for ourselves. Society’s obsession with success has made it more important than actual satisfaction.

But what does success really mean to you?

It’s a question that demands reflection because our time is limited.

We want to build, to progress, to achieve things.

But when we grab our phones and scroll through Instagram or read the news, we’re bombarded with images and stories of people who seem to be doing so much better than us.

In our minds, we think, "Yeah, I'm going to be really successful."

But then we stop and look in the mirror, finding ourselves lost and disappointed because we’re not where we want to be in life.

And if this is you, the most important thing you need to do is to become self-aware as to why you feel this way. It can be really discouraging.

You might be asking yourself "are they just so much smarter than me?”

“Why are they doing so well and I’m not?"

This was me not too long ago actually and the truth is, there’s no such thing as falling behind.

There’s only comparing yourself to others.

One key thing to remember is that people only put the parts of their life they want you to see on social media.

They don’t tend to post their failures, mistakes, or shortcomings because it looks bad, and they think others will judge them for it.

These highlight reels don’t give you context.

Think about it this way - if you knew someone whose family life was falling apart, their health was declining rapidly, but their business was crushing it, what would they post about?

They’d obviously be talking about their business doing well.

People aren’t forthcoming; they won’t give you the whole story so take all that stuff with a pinch of salt.

Ok so why do we do this to ourselves? Why are we always comparing ourselves, sometimes to people we don’t even know?

It’s because we usually see life as a race. This is actually the core of the problem.

In the western world, if you don’t have a car, a partner, a house, or don’t go on that holiday that much, it’s easy to feel like you’re behind.

This mindset has been programmed into our minds from when we were kids. Let me explain.

It starts at school.

Your performance throughout your school life is determined by your exam grades and progress reports.

Then, around the ages of 16-18, you see people splitting off in different directions, some drop out, some pursue further education and go to university, some get jobs, some start families and others get held back.

We want to be competitive and better than others, but at the same time, we want to fit in.

The separation and comparison begins here. It did for me, anyway.

At that point I saw all my friends go to university, start progressing with their lives, and I didn’t go to university straight away. I spent a year working and saving up to go traveling around Europe. In the back of mind I was questioning my decision, everyone’s gone to uni and you didn’t.

Am I making a mistake here?..

Also society has a funny way of making us base our self-worth on financial and academic achievements rather than what actually matters, like how you make people feel or who you’ve helped in life.

And because of all this we’ve been conditioned to put timeframes on what we need to achieve by certain ages.

I’ll give you an example. When I was at school, there were a few people I knew whose birthdays were at the start of the school year, around September or October.

You’d get to your lockers at break time and hear about so-and-so passing their driving test.

So there was a Sainsbury’s right around the corner from our school and we’d either walk there or to a nearby Boots or Greggs for lunch.

And as you come out of the side entrance of the school at lunch time, you’d usually see someone pulling away on the road for their driving lesson. Everyone was so fixated on getting driving lessons and passing their driving test.

The number of minors you collected on your test mattered as well. It was crazy.

So when I turned 17 and it was finally my turn, I felt this pressure because all the people I knew had passed, mostly of them on their first try actually.

I remember one lunchtime stepping out for a lesson. I tried to leave my lesson quickly because the road by the side entrance was quite a tricky hill start.

I sat in the driving seat of a small hatchback, put on my seatbelt, adjusted my seat and mirrors, and as I turned the key, I heard a commotion on the pavement next to me.

I checked my mirrors and saw about ten people I knew, all watching and cackling. I thought it was quite funny; they were all waiting for me to stall.

I took a deep breath, but I felt panicked—the pressure was on. I really didn’t want to stall.

I put it into first gear, pulled back on the clutch to find the bite, lowered the handbrake, and revved the engine.

What happened next was comical. The car just rolled backward whilst I was revving the engine.

I could hear everyone laughing, and to be honest, I laughed as well. But looking back, the pressure we put on ourselves was completely unnecessary.

Everyone was in such a rush to pass their driving test as soon as they could. It became this unspoken competition, like an unofficial rite of passage. As soon as it was their birthday, they were booking lessons and tests, trying to pass as quickly as possible.

I was guilty of this myself, I didn’t even have a car at that point and I didn’t need one urgently, it made no sense

The anticipation and anxiety made the entire process felt like a ticking time bomb.

If you didn't pass right away, it felt like you were falling behind your peers. That’s actually how I felt because I didn’t pass on the first try. And that sense of feeling behind hit me hard. Imagine if I didn’t compare myself to them, the pressure and those feelings wouldn’t exist.

The rush we were all in was driven by social pressure rather than by any real necessity.

In reality, the timing of when you pass your driving test or has little impact on your overall life trajectory.

One of my close friends passed his driving test ten years after the rest of us. Did it matter in the grand scheme of things? Probably not.

The trouble is, the rush to hit these milestones is usually more about meeting societal expectations than about personal needs or desires.

i.e. you should be getting a degree by 21, find a partner by 23, buy a house by 27, and get married by 30.

We put ourselves under so much pressure to meet these deadlines, thinking that they are indicators of our success or progress in life.

But the truth is, life doesn’t follow a linear path, and success doesn’t come with a timeline.

So how can you remove the proclivity of feeling behind? You need to focus on what matters to you, and what you can control. And ultimately, you need to realise that success is not a competition.

Because society will keep telling you what success should look like, incase you didn’t know.

In my opinion, true success is becoming the person you want to be.

It’s about personal growth. It’s about finding fulfilment.

It's about aligning with your values. It's a continuous journey. and it’s definitely not a race.

Real success is measured by your own standards. And for me, it's about living authentically.

It's about learning from failures. It's about resilience.

And it’s about making choices that lead to your happiness.

So what can you can get started with today that can help with those feelings of inadequacy?

There’s a few habits you need to consider.

The first habit is a regular gratitude practice.

This can really ground your thinking and make you realise what you have is so much more than you think.

In a world where we are constantly bombarded with images and stories of other people’s achievements, it’s easy to forget the blessings in our own lives. Practicing gratitude regularly can shift your focus from what you lack to what you already have.

And if you think about it, you are actually living someone else’s dream life.

I’ve spoken about this in a previous article but it literately takes a couple of minutes to write down a few things you’re grateful for.

Also by focusing on the positives, you can reduce the impact of stress and build resilience against negative emotions.

It also encourages you to live in the present. A lot of the time, those feelings of inadequacy come from worrying about the future or dwelling on the past. When you practice gratitude, you anchor yourself in the here and now, and it makes you appreciate the current moment and what it has to offer.

Being mindful about this can counteract those anxious feelings of being behind.

Another thing you can do is try to develop patience and consistency.

Think about that time when you achieved something significant like when you graduated from university after years of studying, or when you trained for and completed a marathon.

Achieving your goals takes time, effort, and persistence. Embrace the process and celebrate small wins along the way.

Developing a positive mindset is also really important. Be kind to yourself.

How do you talk to yourself in your mind? Are you overly harsh and snappy when you mess up? Or are you calm and understanding? When you missed a deadline at work, did you berate yourself, or did you acknowledge the hard work you put in and figure out how to improve next time?

Acknowledge your efforts and give yourself credit for the hard work you put in, even if the results aren’t immediate.

Remember, everyone’s journey is different, and setbacks are a natural part of growth.

Your journey is unique, and progress is progress, no matter the pace.

Another key habit is setting realistic and personal goals.

Define success on your own terms, based on what actually matters to you.

For instance, if career growth is important, envision where you want to be in five years and set specific milestones to get there.

Break your goals down into manageable steps and create a plan to achieve them.

Start with small, achievable tasks that build momentum. If your goal is to run a marathon, begin with a training schedule that gradually increases your distance. By focusing on your personal aspirations rather than external expectations, you can find more satisfaction and fulfilment in what you set out to do.

If you value work-life balance, set boundaries for your work hours and plan quality time with the people that matter. You could create a vision board or journal your progress to keep your goals front and centre in your mind. Remember, personal goals are about what brings you joy and fulfillment, not about meeting someone else’s standards.

By setting realistic, personal goals, you empower yourself to live a life that is authentically yours.

Goal-setting can really give you a sense of purpose and direction.

Also remember to take care of your physical health as well.

Regular exercise, a solid diet, adequate sleep, and time spent outdoors can significantly impact your mood and overall well-being.

When your body feels good, it’s easier to maintain a positive outlook on life.

And I just want to finish of by saying that.

There is no finish line.

It’s not a race.

It’s not a finite game.

You can’t win at life.

If you do what you like in life and you’re making some progress with that, and you’re happy with that, then how can you be behind in life?

And when you’re worried about about life or you’re upset with where you are at the moment, remember this: no amount of guilt can solve the past, and no amount of anxiety can change the future.

So let’s stop comparing our lives to others.

Redefine what success means for you.

It’s ok to take detours.

It’s ok to go at your own pace.

Focus on what makes you genuinely happy and fulfilled, not on what society dictates.

You can start over many times in this life.

Remember, you’re not behind; you’re just on your path, and that’s perfectly cool.

You are exactly where you need to be.