The 3 Biggest Regrets of The Dying
If today was the last day of your life, would you have any regrets?
Would you live differently?
What would your life look like?
One second you’re here and the next, you’re gone.
I remember one of my first days working as a doctor, it was a busy weekend shift and I was looking after this elderly patient who had fractured their hip after a fall.
They were doing really well before their fall, well into their 90’s but quite independent.
Whilst they were in hospital they developed a really severe chest infection.
In the quiet hours of the morning as I went by seeing patient after patient, I had a conversation with them which seemed to momentarily lift the shadow of their sickness.
She was really kind, polite and good company in general.
That morning she was in good spirits and I could tell that she wanted to have a nice chat but I had so many more patients to see and jobs for those patients to do, so I smiled and said I will try to come and see her later on.
A few hours later I got a bleep so I called the number that was flashing on my pager and it was one of the nurses who sounded quite stressed on the other end of the phone.
She asked me to come and see the patient because it looked like she was struggling with her breathing and didn’t look normal.
So I walked to the other side of the hospital and when I stepped onto the ward and then into the room, the atmosphere had shifted.
The room felt charged with a strained tension. The sight that greeted me was so different from the morning. Her breathing was laboured and she seemed a lot drowsier than before.
And with every moment that passed, I could see that she was deteriorating.
I asked the nurse to call the family and let them know that her condition had changed.
I knelt down next to their side and I could see thats she was gesturing with her arm as if she wanted me to hold it.
So I took down the railing at the side of the bed and gently held her hand.
She asked if I could stay stay until her family arrived.
So I did.
They looked at me straight in the eye for a few seconds before their breathing slowed and they were becoming more weary.
In those last moments, I could see them slipping away.
That was one of the first times I saw life leave a person.
They were there and then, they weren’t.
And it made me think about how our existence is so fragile. We are transient souls, bound by the inevitable passage of time.
It’s quite a sobering thought.
I’ve spent a lot of time speaking to patients.
And having worked on a geriatric ward, I’ve spent countless hours with amazing people who shared their life stories, wisdom, and experiences with me.
By listening to their stories, I learned about their achievements and regrets, their joys and sorrows, and the lessons they've picked up throughout their lives.
It’s helped me gain a deeper understanding of life from those who had lived it the longest.
So today, I’m going to talk about the 3 biggest regrets of the dying.
There was a patient who came in with a cough and fever. As I sat down in the room I introduced myself and began asking about his symptoms.
His breathing seemed strained, and it was clear that he was struggling.
After discussing his cough and other symptoms, I transitioned into his asking about their social history, which is a really important part of understanding the overall context of a patients’ health, especially given his age.
So I asked him, "do you live with anyone at home?"
He said "no, I live alone."
But I detected a hint of sadness in his reply so I probed and asked: "Do you have any help at home? Any carers or family nearby? You know - like to help shopping and things.”
He shook his head slowly and said, "No, my wife divorced me decades ago. My children... they don't see me anymore."
And as he spoke, the room seemed to grow heavier.
He went on to explain how his commitment to work had contributed to his current isolation. I didn’t feel like interrupting him so I let him continue and then he said something that stuck with me.
He then said that he prioritised the wrong thing in his life.
He admitted to me that he spent too much time at work. Always at the office, always trying to provide, always thinking there would be more time.
His eyes seemed distant as if he was lost in deep thought. And there was a profound look of regret etched onto his face.
As I listened to him, I couldn’t help but reflect the importance of balance in our lives.
A lot of us can probably resonate with his story.
In the pursuit of professional success, you can sometimes overshadow important relationships. He probably missed countless dinners, birthdays and moments that really mattered.
The hunt for a successful work life had cost him on a personal level.
And now, living alone, battling pneumonia, he faced the stark reality of those choices.
And in his mind, rightly or wrongly, the isolation he felt now was a direct consequence of the choices he made years ago.
Don’t get me wrong - I’m an advocate of working hard and I know that from my own experience, there will be periods of time where you need to focus on one thing and you might be alone for certain periods.
This can be really important for personal growth.
I actually spoke about this in my video about the unexpected benefits of being alone (below).
The Power of Solitude
And you know what, he was probably driven by good intentions, but over the span of a lifetime, prioritising work can lead to unintended consequences.
Like strained relationships and missed opportunities for social connection.
For me his story served as a powerful reminder of the importance of finding balance, valuing our time with friends and family, and prioritising what truly matters in life.
And in my mind, work will always be there, but the opportunity to create moments with the people that matter are fleeting and priceless.
Because of this I try to live in a way that, when I look back, I do so with a heart full of memories rather than regret.
Remember, there is a lot to gain but there is also a lot to lose.
Another common regret I've encountered is caring too much about what everyone else thinks. This is actually similar to one of the main points in the book "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying" by Bronnie Ware.
The author was a palliative care nurse and she spent years caring for people in their final months and weeks of life.
One of the most frequent regrets she observed was people regretting that they had lived their lives according to the expectations of others, rather than being true to themselves.
People often said that they had not pursued their own dreams and passions, and instead, they chose paths that were expected of them by their family or society.
And one thing I've learned from experience is that no matter how hard you try, you can't please everyone.
Trying to live up to others people’s expectations can lead to a life filled with regret and missed opportunities.
It’s your life, and if you spend it trying to satisfy everyone else, you may never find your own true happiness.
One patient in particular shared a story with me.
He always dreamed of being an artist, but his parents and peers convinced him to pursue a more "practical" career.
So he became a lawyer which paid the bills but his heart was never truly in it.
His regret was palpable as he spoke about the years he spent in a career that never truly fulfilled him, all because he was too concerned with what others thought.
Living a life controlled by the opinions of others means sacrificing your own dreams and desires. It means tethering your worth to their approval rather than finding value in your own passions and choices.
This can lead to a deep lack of fulfilment and regret, especially as you near the end of your life and reflect on what might have been.
You need to live a life that is true to yourself.
This means setting your own goals, pursuing your own passions, and defining success on your own terms.
Don’t let the fear of judgment or the desire for approval dictate your choices.
Your worth is not determined by other people's ideas or expectations; it's defined by how you see yourself and the life you choose to live.
You have to prioritise your own values and desires.
You have to live with courage.
And this is how you can live a more authentic life.
The third regret that comes up quite a lot is not looking after your health.
I remember one patient who came in with a leg injury.
They were in their 90s and they went out for a short walk when suddenly, their leg gave way.
When I asked them about how they managed at home, they seemed really proud of their independence.
They enjoyed gardening, taking long walks, and managed fine around the house. Despite their age, they had made efforts to live a healthy life. With a smile on their face they explained how their body wasn’t what it used to be.
Then, with a more serious tone, he paused and began to lecture me about the importance of taking care of yourself.
He seemed really passionate about it so I just listened.
He explained to me that several of his friends had passed away a decade or two earlier because they hadn’t taken care of themselves. He recalled trying to persuade a close friend to stop smoking and to cut down on their drinking, only to watch helplessly as those words fell on deaf ears.
He was convinced that their disregard for health cut their lives short.
This message speaks to me because it's a regret I encounter quite a lot in the hospital.
Many people realise too late the impact of their lifestyle choices on their long-term health. It’s something that I strive to avoid in my own life, and I really encourage others to do the same.
Your body is your vessel for this life. It deserves your care and respect.
To make it durable for the decades ahead, you need to prioritise your health.
This means regular exercise, lifting weights, eating clean, and staying hydrated.
The choices you make today will determine your quality of life in the future.
Life can be hard now and easy later, or easy now and hard later.
Taking care of your body isn’t just about adding years to your life but adding life to your years. By focusing on your health today, you can enjoy a more active, fulfilling life well into the later years.
So, if you want to live a life worth living, surely you could just avoid these regrets?
You can try, but life is not that simple. Life is about what YOU experience in life. Your journey shapes who you are.
All the decisions and choices you’ve made have brought you to this point in your life. All the mistakes and lessons have moulded you and helped you to grow.
So, live a life true to yourself.
Don’t let work consume you to the point where you miss out on what truly matters.
Learn to express your feelings more because holding back can create regrets that are hard to shake.
And stop spending too much time worrying about things that don’t even happen. Most of our worries actually never come to pass.
And when I think about it now, a lot of us probably wish we could turn back time and do that thing we wanted to do or speak to that person we really liked.
The key is to act now, before it's too late.
Remember, if you’re reading this, it doesn’t matter what age you are — you have survived life until this point.
All the traumas and problems, hardships and heartbreaks have brought you here.
You didn’t know then what you know now, and that’s why reflecting is so important.
Get a journal and start writing. Make a story worth talking about.
Reflect on your journey, learn from your past, and shape a future without regrets.
So you should really take that chance. Book that ticket. Start that business. Ask that girl out. Make every moment count.
Because you don’t want to die wondering.
A quote from a great
Enjoy your day,
Z
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